reckoning

Everyone is going to be writing about this year. As it draws to an end. Thats not really what I want to write about. I don’t think I really ever stopped to consider it all. It was just too overwhelming. As I sit here, dreading my last Boxing Day in retail, picturing trying to avoid fights with customers, “the year” seems to encapsulate that vision; chaos, mean spirited, malicious people.

Perhaps that’s dark, and heavy. Maybe that’s the feeling I’ve been avoiding for months now. The politics of the U.S., and its rippling effects of racism and hatred around the world, the pandemic and how its truly changed and re-shaped the world we live in… like a reckoning. It brought so much injustice and inequality to light. But I’m not a believer, I don’t hold much faith that anything much will change (for us), tomorrow, and everyday after, spent in the corpse of a dead retailer, will certainly prove how little faith there is to be had of humanity.

It’s interesting how these things have become intertwined. My company died because of the pandemic. I guess that’s where the intersection originates. It’s a strange juxtasposition. It’s exhausting, even more now than before. Maybe its the slow death, the inability to move forward, yet knowing that you have to make plans and arrangements. The looming weight of knowing one day soon you won’t have a paycheque anymore, just when they got good too.

There’s pressure, knowing that this is truly a gift, a sign from the universe, a personal reckoning. I want to do something amazing. I want to be somewhere where I’m not judged. People think service industry workers are stupid. I’m tired of people talking to me with that tone, although I do love the surprise on their faces when they hear just how articulate I am. I want to use that intelligence, where it’s welcome and appreciated.

There’s frustration too. I finally achieved a title that I’ve been deserving of for so long. I’ve finally achieved some financial stability- meaning not living pay cheque to paycheque anymore, for the first time ever, and I’m 34 years old! Some people may read this and think just what all those people think when they see me at work- I didn’t aspire to much, I don’t have an education, whatever they seem to think of us retail workers. The truth is I have a degree, I speak 3 languages, I’ve got over 10 years of experience in retail management, which means I’ve got a whole arsenal of skills and abilities applicable to any industry. Yet, I was prepared to settle, because I finally have stability in my life.

I look around my little one bedroom apartment, this 700 sq feet of home that we’ve managed to carve out for ourselves. It’s not much, but to me it’s abundance. It’s the most I’ve ever had. I’m simple; I’ve got cheese, Bailey’s, a Christmas Ham, and everything to make the fixings, some lovely presents exchanged this Christmas morning, and nightstands – something I’ve always wanted, but never had.

So, as much as I know that this is an opportunity, that now is the moment for hard work, dedication, and to aspire to more, to manifest my best self, I just can’t bear to have to make any sacrifices, when I only just now, finally got everything I could ask for.

I don’t know what these next few months will bring, I’m scared, I look forward to it, I’m exhausted just thinking about it.

But, this is the first time I’ve written in quite awhile, so maybe I’m not as far gone as I thought.