emotional days

Today was an emotionally draining day. It’s hard trying to get through the day with a knot in your throat, and a retail smile on your face. Tears surfacing, but never over flowing, all the while your mind is on this loop, of the things you need to process, the things you want to write about, the things you need to get out.

How do you grieve someone who isn’t yours to grieve. A friendship long lost in the most insignificant of circumstances, now she’s gone and I’m left wondering when or where or why we lost touch. It’s overwhelming to think, at 32 apparently you don’t have all the time in the world. Was there more to be said? The sad truth is that I don’t know if we would have ever reached out, but then I don’t know why neither of us ever did.

Death is so strange… I lost my grandmother and my uncle just a few months apart, and if I shed a tear, it was for my mother’s loss, her grieving and her pain, but not my own. Not that I didn’t love my family members, but if I cried, it would have been because I felt bad that I hadn’t cried for them. Then here I am, crying over this loss again and again for days now.

Maybe there are larger implications. Interconnectedness, people and circumstances from my past that she’s tied to. And in my efforts to leave it all behind, I left our friendship behind as well. There’s a lot of pain in the past, beyond the pain that started this blog 3 (or 4) years ago. There’s a past buried deep, and I haven’t thought about it in a decade, but now its surfacing, somehow prompted by this loss? I haven’t figured out how its all connected just yet… But I don’t want to think about it. I suppose that’s telling.