I’ve got a lot floating around in my brain, so this may be just a space to jot them down quickly before heading out to work. Maybe I’ll have a clearer mind for doing so.
Falling asleep is hard, and waking up early sucks, and all the while its just constant ideas and ‘to do’s’ . Sitting down to get it done, or out, everything goes blank, maybe cause I know I only have limited time before having to get ready for work.
One big idea that has surfaced again, something that I have to face to move forward, is the undeniable reality that I have been distracting myself, for probably a decade now, from this career situation. I think a whole post could be dedicate to ‘career’… my lack of confidence, inability to break into a new and different industry, the feeling of worthlessness when you’re scowerring job boards and you’ve got the education, but not the experience because your degree is completely something different now than what it was when you started it, back in 2004?!
Somewhere along the way the world changed, Communications is all online stuff; SEO, social media, influencers, bloggers, digital marketing… makes me wish I had pursued that law degree, or journalism.
I tried very recently, and succefully I might add, to learn acceptance. Acceptance of happiness for example, and with that the notion that I am deserving of happiness, and love. When it came to my job, I was recently promoted, and so acceptance came easily. I was happy with an increased salary, and recognition, and the feeling that there was room to grow where there hadn’t been before. I was accepting of the fact that after over a decade in retail management, I in fact had achieved a career without even realizing it. And it was a nice feeling, growth and achievement, and being apart of something…success even.
But this was all short lived.
The last month brought about a lot of change in my life, a new apartment complete with all of the bills and expenses associated with starting a new life together really put my ‘great new salary’ into perspective. In fact, once again, I’m living pay check to pay check (totally worth it, cause I absolutely love having a home finally), but after a couple of years of having a disposable income, its a tough adjustment.
I was offered a third store, just after we moved in, and remarked to my boss that it was perfect timing, taking on more responsibility, “cause things are a little tight these days”. What I came to know was that after all the praise and recognition from the higher-ups, this added responsibility didn’t come with added money.
This all needs to be explored further, when I have more time to do so. But what I’ve been left with are very negative feelings. This isn’t the first time this company has under valued me, and what about other opportunities? What about my writing, and the overwhleming learning curve it will take to turn it into a profitable business, one day…years from now?
What is clear is that now, when I have finally found some stability in life, a happy home, loving and supportive partner, no drama to distract me, this little career monster has reared its head again, and the thing is, unlike so much that I have already faced in the past, this time its all about me. I have to conquer my own fears, or whatever it is. I’m holding myself back from achieving more, I always have been, and its time I really explore the reasons why.