December 31st, 2016
The last day, well the last few hours of this incredibly long year. It’s been a crazy year in the world, from politics and acts of terror across the world, to the loss of some of the greatest artists of our time. Everyone is talking about Bowie taking all his favs with him to the other side, or heaven or what you will, and the American President elect, why bother tainting my writing with his poisonous name, all of the racial violence, the state of fear that he’s created with his hateful, divisive rhetoric, and yet at the end of it all, I have an admiration for the raw honesty of America, I think in the long run it puts them ahead of us because things won’t ever change if they are not addressed in the first place. If so many people truly have so much hate in their hearts, isn’t it better to have it exposed, out in the open, than hiding and sneaking and creeping…In Canada there is a lot of racism but we are too polite to speak up, and so people, the majority, seem to think there is no racism here, but ignorance is bliss, and by its very nature, ignorance breeds racism..
There were 3 super moons and a blood moon, and all throughout this time I seem to keep encountering people who speak and are connected and in tune, and the conversations are always about healing, and growing, and the signs and charts, travelling, and broken hearts. There is a very interesting mix of people in my life now who share similar stories and journeys, we all seem to inspire and teach each other, checking in every so often to see where the other is at and how things are going. And the idea that people come and go in your life at particular times and for particular reasons has never been more apparent, each of these beautiful people is so significant to my journey.
As 2017 approaches it has dawned on me that my “year” has been a lot longer than just one year. The idea that the new year offers new beginnings and a fresh start had me thinking what a relief it would be once it finally arrived. But once I thought back on my 2016 I realized it wasn’t all that bad; it started in the country side in the South of France with my best friend and her wonderful husband and their group of close friends, from there it was back to Italy and by the summer I was loving life and adventuring around this beautiful country that I had fallen in love with. I had learned so many lessons, and worked so hard to heal, to find peace and acceptance, I wrestled with feelings I didn’t understand, I thought I was crazy, I cried forever, I wrote so hard and so much as the tears blinded my eyes, I smoked and danced, and developed an obsession with bikinis and how awesome it feels to wear one. I finally found a moment that I had been searching for and dreaming of my whole life, something I knew only existed in another part of the world, beach parties, the sound of bass and dance music as the sun sets over the turquoise clear blue waters of Salento.
It was a year of polarized opposites, of loving and loosing, loosing everything but at the same time gaining everything the world had to offer, loosing a love I thought would last a lifetime but gaining the love of an entire community of Italian friends and family, people who carefully put the pieces of my heart back into place, and the culture of their home brought me back to life. And I feel like I’ve repeated this same story so many times, I’ve written these words so many times, I’ve told this story and retold it, I’ve felt these feelings, and pushed them away, and invited them in, I’ve drowned in these emotions and let this whole long heart break consume me and heal me, and reinvent me all at the same time.
As this new year is about to begin all I can seem to think of is hope, and faith. I think I’ve written on these words as concepts before…At the end of the day, this year has been a lot longer than just one calendar year for me. Throughout the whole process, in the darkest depths, those moments where it hurts so much you lose your breath and you have no idea where or who to turn to, and the pain cripples you and brings you to your knees, I somehow always knew it was for a reason, and as alone as I felt, I knew I wasn’t alone. My logical and rational brain believed that if endured all of that I’d come out the other end healed and stronger and on the right path. That was the point, that’s why I threw myself in, that’s why I wrote once that I let the pain break me into a million pieces; so that I could rebuild myself, brand new, a sparkling new version, the best me I’ve ever been. Its only now that I look back, that I can see that I wasn’t alone, those very thoughts were hope, and believing them, that was faith.
Its time that I realize that none of it is real anymore. It’s a story, the story of what happened to me once. I don’t know him anymore. He has become the stranger that I dreaded he would become, but in the end I’m not sure I ever knew him anyways. All of the questions remain unanswered because I’m past the point of asking, and I shouldn’t have to ask, which is why I never did, and he will never ever speak up, so that’s that. As for the justice that I crave, well all I can do is place my faith in Karma, not that I would wish ill upon anyone, but
You can’t build a palace upon a bed of lies.
You can’t bury all of your feelings, your guilt and your shame, your heart ache, your grief… you can’t escape those demons. Demons don’t rest.
You can’t replace a person as if there was not another there in the same place before.
You can’t do the things you did to me and not have to answer for your actions, you can’t do the things you did to me and just go along on your merry way. You can’t possibly believe that you could just get away with it all. Although you seem to be dedicating your life to rewriting our history to the tee with her, but in place of each regret there is a happy memory that you’ve created with her, memories that should’ve been ours. This is the thing that really messes me up.
My higher self knows that I should be happy that I inspired and changed someone for the better. My higher self knows that was my purpose and I should feel proud, and truly when I reach transcendence Ill be able to be happy that I endured pain to save someone I loved, and Ill be happy because he was listening and now hes doing better and ill be happy because hes applying those lessons in order to love someone else better.
But I haven’t reached my higher self yet, and the pain is still raw.
Even after all this time, and all of this work…Im not sure whats holding me back but I seem to think it’s the injustice of it all. The way it happened. How lucky you were that I left. You’ve said it so many times and in such strange ways, but you’ve reduced everything to my leaving. It leads me to believe that I hurt you so very deeply, and you resent me for that. It also leads me to believe that you have forgotten the reason why I left at all. And when I think about that I think you’ve created some other reality, another version of events, a story where I selfishly abandoned you in pursuit of my own dreams. You believe your own lies, as is often the case when we tell ourselves stories, we create our realities through narratives.
Could you really have forgotten why I left? Sometimes I think maybe you did love me, truly, and so you let me go. Once I wrote that you folded your cards, you moved in with her to make yourself unavailable because you knew that I loved you and that I wanted to come back to you, to have that fresh start, to start over, you knew I believed in that and in us, and in you (you must have known that..) and so choosing to be with her was like a final act of love in a way, because you knew that I deserve better, or in your own words, you couldn’t forgive yourself for what you had done to me.
What you don’t seem to understand is that the greatest, and deepest heartbreak lies in that choice, that you chose her. That you didn’t love me the way I wanted you to, you didn’t love me enough to wait, to allow me time to heal, to understand that I didn’t leave because you had hurt me but rather because I knew there was no way forward for us if I stayed. Because I knew you, I knew about your guilt and that it would never allow you to be with me. Those were the things I believed…But now I’m not so sure. Now I’m not sure I ever knew you at all. Now I wonder if the texts in your phone that night were not at all from some woman you met at the Sherby, were they from her? And all the nights you never came home? And maybe it was nothing physical, maybe you had simply met her and developed feelings for her, and you were conflicted about that, especially because I had just moved in, maybe that’s why you couldn’t be around me and couldn’t come home. Maybe that’s why you drank, maybe it had nothing to do with your grief. It would certainly explain how you stay sober now, now that we are not together, that I’m not in your life you’re free to be with the person you truly wanted to be with, so there’s no reason to drink.
But you should know one of the most important truths; I left because I was terrified, above all else, of who I would become, the type of woman I would be if I stayed with someone who was unfaithful. Even in my loneliness, as I drowned in the depths of my love for you and regretted ever leaving no matter what the circumstances were, even as I took on the blame for loosing you, for not choosing you.. I couldn’t find an answer. I could see who I would have had to become to stay with someone who cheated on me and it was not possible, I was looking at a corpse, my spirit would have been lost and so I would never have been the girl you feel in love with in the first place at all. In fact I had lost so much of myself its quite possible, and plausible that you had already fallen out of love with me long before you found yourself in that hotel room at all. And in that respect, its easy to see how quickly you moved on, I see it as a month or two after I left, but in reality, you felt alone long before so it wasn’t a difficult connection to break when she came along, especially if you knew her already.
More importantly I have considered that maybe you never loved me, maybe you wanted to, or thought that you should, but you didn’t actually. That would explain why it took you over two years to say it, and if that’s the case I appreciate your honesty, maybe you said it out of guilt, finally after I returned home after missing what was supposed to be our first Christmas living together as a family. I’ve only ever found myself in a situation like that once before, where I told someone I loved them but didn’t mean it, I said it because I wanted to mean it, but it wasn’t true. Maybe that’s how it was for you when you said it to me..I had those rose colored glasses on at all times with you though. I had no problem waiting so long to hear those words from you, I believed that you loved me regardless, I saw it in the way you would look at me, or the way you held me, in your thoughtfulness…and when you finally did say it, it was the most meaningful and profound thing that anyone had ever said to me. I thought it was worth waiting for, I thought it was real, and you meant it and felt it with all of your being, and I believed that you would love me forever…but that was only a few short months before the hotel room.
I always told you actions speak louder than words, and because you were not often comfortable talking about stuff I only had your actions to go on, and up until I moved in with you that was totally fine. I knew all I needed to know, and I trusted that whatever was going on was not about me, that you needed me, and my Wellington Crescent apartment was our sanctuary, a safe place for you to come and receive love, affection and the warmth of my small world. All of that changed when I moved in with you. If I had only your actions to go of off, then it seemed pretty clear that you couldn’t stand to be around me. I was supposed to trust that you loved me, but the fear that you didn’t, that my moving in was seen as a mistake…it drove me crazy. I was not at all equipped to handle alcoholism, or grief, or intergenerational trauma, or childhood trauma… all of the demos that plagued you, and I believed caused you to drink in the first place, it all consumed me too, it changed me. I went from being your escape, the light and hope in your life to being apart of all the chaos you were incessantly and desperately trying to escape at every turn, every day…Maybe it was around then that you met her…it was certainly at that time that the divide between us grew, But I will say this, I tried my hardest, I gave it all I had, I tried everything I could think of, from being supportive, understanding, and patient to being hurt, and hysterical, to being complacent. Nothing worked, and no matter what I did it seemed to only perpetuate your guilt and drive you further away.
The cracks in our foundation deepened, almost beyond repair, but as broken as I was I hadn’t given up hope. It took me a few months to open up again after that Christmas, the way I acted and the things I said to you before I left home, that is my deepest regret. In that moment I failed you and I wonder if things would have been different if I had shown you love and kindness when I saw that hospital wristband on you, I don’t think you ever trusted me after that…By spring time I was better, and I was committed and so in love with you I didn’t care about any of it, everything that had happened didn’t matter. All that mattered to me was you, being with you, building a life with you, having the future we dreamed of, pursuing our goals. I knew change wouldn’t happen over night, but I was determined to be the strength you needed, to support you long into our future. I believed unfailingly that you would become the person you desired to be, that you would heal your past traumas, and find sobriety, and I was going to love you through it all. I was going to love you enough to heal you and I was going to give you the life you deserved; a happy home filled with a big family and beautiful babies, All I needed in return was your love, all I needed was to feel loved by you, all I needed was the belief that I was special to you, your inspiration…
… So it’s a new year, and I hope it’s a new beginning. I need to realize what my life is and what I want it to be. I need to realize that I have been living my life for a year now, and although much of that year, and longer, was underlined by hurt, and sadness, I have lived. All the time I spent away, the places I visited and traveled to, the time spent with close friends, the lonely train rides, and all the airports, that was my life, and I lived it for a year. And at the same time he was living his life, with her. It doesn’t matter how fast that change happened, hurtful as it may be, it all happened and brought us here, to this reality. A reality where “we” are a thing of the past. Time moved us along, and away from each other. Away from the hopes and dreams we shared, away from the life we shared and were building together.
That’s just how it is.