Talking with my monster

Im a 30 year old girl, woman? And Ive discovered the monster in me. Ive described it as a darkness before, a place that is familiar and comfortable that I turn to, and choose to get lost in at times. It brings out the self destructive tendencies, the drinking and the bad choices. Although I still hold to the fact that nothing ive done is really that bad compared to the people Ive known and grown up with in my life, like give me a break, you all have been doing blow for the last ten years, or more, and in varying degrees of harshness, like let me smoke my god damn cigarettes in peace thank you very much!

So as it turns out, the monster has been in control this whole time, well since I got back to Canada anyways, and for awhile before that as well, although I was able to shake it for a time when I was in Italy. That place is good for me, not so good for my monster though, turns out true happiness, true light and connectivity, true passion, that is what drives the monster away., probably our monsters; fault in the first place…but anyways, by our side they remain, as protectors. To protect us from our bad choices, and help us learn the lessons. 

The monster is ugly, says things, horrible things that we are ashamed we ever said, acted in ways we are ashamed of….We are disappointed in our actions and behaviors and our words, we didn’t want or chose to become the monster, but we had no choice, it happened because we were hurt, someone hurt us, we were hurting and so came the monster, to get us through, to protect us, and to remind us, after its all over that we don’t want to be the monster, not forever, even if we are thankful it came about when it did. But I am sorry, Im not that person, Im sorry you had to meet my monster, Im sorry for the things I said and did, but I was hurting, so deeply hurt, so my monster came to rescue me, and you didn’t recognize me anymore, I wasn’t me anymore, not for a long time, long enough in fact that you didn’t love me anymore anyways…

So now its time I have a talk with my monster, and tell it its time to take a back seat, cause I’ve got this. I need to be in control now. Yeah buddy, I know its been a rough year and a half, and I know Ive been really hurting for a long time, but you need to remember that I was more than ok for a bit there, you got a little break this summer, when I came alive and when I was happy, when I was dancing on the beach in a bikini. I know you rushed to the front lines when I was making my way back to Canada, you knew better than me what I was in for I guess, and I appreciate that you came to my defenses once again, but here’s the thing, now you’re holding me back.

Im not under attack, im not in need of defense; I am in need of freedom and happiness. No one is coming to hurt me now, now Im only hurting myself because my monster, I know you want vengeance, you want to witness suffering, his suffering the way you have witnessed my suffering. I know you want to see him suffer because you know he is the root of my suffering, but don’t forget dear monster, that it was necessary, it all happened the way it should have. He is not a bad person, yes his actions are confusing and disappointing but we all did the best we could, and my monster don’t forget, I am better for it. I am stronger, and closer to my higher self, I would not be this version of me without him, without loving him and losing him. I am closer to the me I was destined to be, and closer to the life I deserve because of the pain he put me through.

So my monster, we need to stop this, I need you to stop this, stop thinking about revenge, and vengeance, and negative karmic energy, and injustice. You need to let it all go, so that I can be free of this, its been dragging me down. Now is the time to accept; things are the way they are, and the only way they can be, the way they should be, because Im better for it, and you know this monster, you know Im better off so why not let me go out there on my own for a bit? Sure, keep a watchful eye, my legs are shaky, yeah I am scared, sure I don’t know how to trust, or whats in store for me, but here’s the thing; you need to give me a chance on my own, because I know what I want, and now I need to go and find it and I can’t do that if im still hurting and if I continue to live life from a place of fear and negativity…

You know Im strong, and fearless, and I know you’ve got my back if someone tries to fuck with me. So lets start this new year of with a truly fresh start, im gonna take the lead, im gonna be happy, im going to be strong and pursue my goals, and leave all that shit behind me, and my monster you’re going to let me be free. You’ve worked really hard these past few years to protect me, but just watch how great I can be, watch all that I can accomplish when I embrace all of the support of those who love me and when I embrace all of my fire and passion, when I embody all of my inner strength and essence, what makes me; wathc me be the best I can be…