It’s been months and I’m tired of all the lessons. The inspirational quotes and memes that were once significant and meaningful, now only contradict each other. Peace, forgiveness, loving yourself, acceptance…all beautiful notions in theory and much harder to accomplish in reality.
I’m supposed to sit quiet and listen to myself, get to know ME and love myself and then I will know what it is I truly want and the Universe will deliver. But I have no clue, and the only thing I seem to think I want is driving me crazy. You’re supposed to let go of things; people, pain, situations…you’re supposed to find peace,acceptance, forgiveness and let them go, leave them in the past. Don’t go chasing after what has left you; learn, grow, and move on.
I’m my own worst enemy. My overthinking, this nagging in my brain. I’m giving myself a headache, and I’m going insane. I don’t have all the answers, I don’t know the whole story, and I chose to believe there is more to it. I know there is. You’re supposed to trust your gut, but I have a hard time believing I’m not delusional when it comes to this.
I’m a hopeless romantic I suppose. I find beauty in tragedy and desperately want to believe that someone could love me so profoundly that all the mistakes and pains of the past become insignificant. That all it would take is one look and everything else would fall away because we would know that we never want to be apart again, that nothing else matters; no matter what life has in store for us, no matter what we’ve put each other through.
I guess I watch too many chick flicks…
I believe in courage and honesty and strength… Maybe that’s what’s so tiring and frustrating and really so sad; always being the one who believes in another and then fights against all odds to be with them. Maybe that’s what I truly want, for someone to love me as deeply as I love them and to fight for me with the same belief and passion that I fight with.
What are you supposed to do when the idea of YOU being enough isn’t enough for you?
Do I not love my self enough? Am I not at peace, have I not learned enough lessons, have I not made strides?? You know, not every person who has found someone to share their life with is in perfect harmony with themselves. In fact most people choose to loose themselves in another rather than face their own shit.
I do love myself, and I am increasingly aware of my self worth and what I want and what I deserve. And because of this I know I would rather be alone than settle for anything less than the lame chick flick moment, you know at the end of the movie where he says something profound and life changing and she has tears streaming down her face and decides to stay rather than get on the train or plane or in the cab, and everyone claps cause there’s always an audience for some odd reason…