I woke up today and felt an overwhelming sensation of “aloneness”. Different than loneliness in that my idea of loneliness is that you miss someone, not necessarily someone specific, but you have an idea of someone or something to miss.
Aloneness, this feeling that I woke up with is heavier. I can’t feel lonely for someone when that person doesn’t exist for me anymore. I can’t miss the idea of something that no longer exists.
Its different this time, waking up to find that he hasn’t read my messages. Before it might have been out of fear or guilt, putting off working through a difficult situation. Now, he simply doesn’t have to read them because he has no responsibility to me, no tie to me, no connection. It has all been severed.
When I came to Italy 4 months ago all I desired was to be alone. My relationship had ended. I took the opportunity to finally travel, to embark upon an adventure I had always dreamt of; living in Europe. It was like the stars had aligned, yes this horrible thing had happened, but I managed to find a job and obtain a visa and a plane ticket. I left for myself, to do something for me, something that I had always wanted to do. I also left to heal.
But there was an unspoken truth behind my departure.
Having spent three years with someone whom I dreamed of having a future with; marriage, a family, a home, I was devastated when it all fell apart. Waking up one morning to find that this future that I believed was within grasp, had disappeared was shocking. People make mistakes, and mistakes are forgivable. Often times it can be for the best, an opportunity to grow. I wanted to forgive. I believed it was necessary for my own peace, but also for my relationship to have a new beginning. So I left home with hope in my heart. And I clung onto this hope fiercely in the months since I’ve been gone.
However, I was presenting this harrowing tale of a woman who had been wronged that set out into the world, on her own, taking her life into her own hands. Independence, power, freedom, strength; that was the story, supported by pictures of beautiful places and adventures being posted on social media.
(First lesson, don’t start a post in the middle of the day then come back to it in the evening. My mood, my perspective has completely shifted. Not sure where I was going with that, but it’s going to end up in a different place than what was originally intended, I can tell you that much!)
The point is that I told a lie, the harrowing tale. The truth was that I was still in love and was holding onto hope. I was devastated once again when I got the news that just 4 months after me leaving for Europe, he has moved in with someone else. Now its time to let go for real. See you have a responsibility in your own pain; having boundaries and holding people to them, making choices about what you want or how you deserve to be treated, and above all being honest with yourself. I could choose to continue to cling on to this “hope”, but it is a false hope. The fact that I didn’t truly let go, when I said I had, left me open to the possibility of being hurt by this person again. And now, if I choose to remain in this situation, for one thing I’ll be alone in it as he has a new relationship, but also I would be condemning my happiness and well being to a tragic fate yet again.
You have to walk a fine line to love the way you want to love, which is a part of you you are, and not compromise yourself at the same time. Yes, relationships require compromise, but the very nature of the word implies a second party, it takes two. You can’t be the only one compromising. Having faith in someone, believing in someone, supporting the person you love, standing by your partner through hard times, but identifying the point at which all of your love, hope and belief is misplaced, that’s the tight rope and it is tricky as hell to maneuver because we are unbelievably good at lying to ourselves.